Jane Passes The Bar Exam

by Alaina Hammond


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​   Jane knew she needed to work on her confidence. Well, her social confidence. She was extremely confident in other ways.

    It wasn’t that Jane lacked charm. It’s that she lacked boldness.

    Throughout college, all the introverted nerdy boys liked her. Of course, she always had to make the first move, because those boys were too nervous to approach her. Jane knew that when she walked up to a freshman with unflattering glasses, acne, and an argyle sweater, the chances of him rejecting her were very low.

    But that wasn’t true boldness. Rather it was...playing the odds.

    And hey, there was something to be said for hooking up with nerdy guys! College had been relatively sexy, and sweaty in every sense.

    But. College was over, and so was grad school. You’re a big girl, Jane, she told herself. Put on your big girl pants and for the first time in your life, actually risk rejection. It will be good for you in the long run, though it will sting in the moment.

    No more pursuing the wounded gazelle.

    Wait, that metaphor implies I’m a predator? No, no! Better switch to low-hanging fruit. Yeah, time to reach for some high-hanging fruit.

    Wait, “fruit” implies….Oh, stop overthinking it!

    Just approach the guy.

    What guy?

    Oh, you know what guy. That tall, punk rock demi-god with gorgeous hair and tattoo sleeves. Who looks as if he’s never dated a librarian in his life.

​    I’m not a regular librarian! I’m an MIT librarian!

    Yeah, that’s not making you look less geeky. The point is: Go hit on him. Sure, he’s like 20,000 leagues out of yours. So? The worst he can do is say no to your advances. Which would actually be a good learning experience! So, you know, win-win.

    Stoically and soldierly, Jane approached the bar.

    “Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE your Möbius strip!”

    “Ah, thank you, Miss. Möbius was my mother’s countryman, though I myself am from
the land of this guy.” He showed her his Escher tattoo.​

    “Ich heiße Jane. My German isn’t very good but it’s better than my Dutch, which is nonexistent. So I can speak to you in your mother’s tongue, but not in your mother tongue.” Jane, you weirdo, stop saying mother and tongue.

    He gave her a look that she had seen many times, but never on a face so objectively handsome. It was the look that said “I find your intelligence intriguing and I wish to put my penis inside your vagina.” But, you know. Subtly.

    “Jane, you must let me buy you a German beer, then. Or any libation you like. My name is Henrik and it’s my great pleasure.”

     It turned out, he was a post-doc teaching physics at Boston College for a semester.

     With a sinking floating feeling, Jane realized she wasn’t about to be romantically rejected. Then, or possibly ever.

     Their wedding vows were in four languages, including Jane’s native Hebrew.


Alaina Hammond is an artist based in California. She graduated from Columbia University in the City of New York.
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