The Shark

by Christopher S. Wilson





    The first person to be gobbled up seemed like an accident, as if the shark had simply fallen on her with its mouth open. It wasn’t even on the news. But then the shark ate a few more people and knocked down some houses and the whole world panicked all at once. In those early days, you could go for a walk, if you were brave enough to go outside at all, and hear people screeching from their homes while listening to the news, fighting with their spouses, yelling at their children to stay inside. Each day the shark gobbled up more strangers and knocked down houses owned by people you didn't know in other towns. It seemed far away from you. When the shark started circling the White House, though, we were all terrified. People were crying everywhere. Babies couldn't sleep. Schools held shark drills. We were all listening to the news and skipping work assuming it was coming for us. But then it only ate the Secretary of the Navy and a few undersecretaries no one knew, and we were all relieved. It swam away and knocked over a few houses in Greenland. The world was unified in collective relief.

​    One woman decided to be brave and jumped on the shark's back with an automatic rifle. Holding on to the dorsal fin, she blasted a door in the side of the shark like a 1930s gangster movie. But inside the shark she found someone else had already snuck in and there were dozens of people living there who were constantly fighting over territory and killing each other, so she hopped down and the shark kept swimming around.

    Then the shark made us all wear tie-dye T-shirts, which it sold to us for $39.95, even for the baby T-shirts, and that's a lot for a T-shirt. At first I hated it, but now I have to admit it's made things a lot more colorful. People seem less tightly-wound than before, and we tell jokes about each other's silly shirts, which is a good ice breaker.

    There was an argument for about a week over whether the shark was male or female, then an argument about why that matters so much to some people. Comedians joked that the shark reminded them of their wife, or of their husband, and things like that. Scientists and religious leaders crafted their theories about the origin of the shark and many gave paid lectures. It was sent by God. It was sent because there was no God. It passed through a portal. It was evolution gone haywire. People took sides and started fighting each other again. Politicians passed legislation to try to prevent another shark from happening but mostly the laws resulted in government contracts for their friends and business associates. Everyone just argued and a few people figured out how to make a profit off it. Nobody tried to stop the shark anymore. Wealthy people built shark bunkers and the poor just coped. It didn't change their lives very much.

    After a few years, the shark wasn't even on the news. It was part of the weather forecast. Partly cloudy today, cooler, 20% chance of shark. It ate a few strangers in Dubai, knocked over a condo in Miami. Maybe it ate a TV actor you’d forgotten about. Everyone adjusted. I got a new job and bought a Toyota.


Christopher S. Wilson is a writer, former comic artist, and beaver believer living in the Boston area.

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